cunting wanker

GRRRRR I'm so GRRRRRrrrrr!!!! Why are people such fucks? D sent me a message saying ~"Like I've tried to tell you a million times, everything I do right now is having major major consequences. Its easy to talk flippantly about sparks and moments when you haven't lived. I give up, you really don't seem to get me." how the fuck dare he tell me i haven't lived. like his life is so full of fucking woe. his aunt is dying of cancer and someone distantly related to him killed themselves. people die. get over it. i didnt want to turn it into a match of "whose had the hardest life", but he knows fuck all about me. he's so fucking self-pretentious 'ohhh my life is so difficult, like you'd ever understand in your little 17 year old world... you're so un-wise, yet i am so worldly and deep'. fucking go and jerk off you cunting wanker. he was fucking texting me at 4am this morning saying about how he needs to stop being a shit to me, and i deserve better. keep your fucking cliche shit to yourself, fuck face. and now apparently it's 'goodbye'. ah fuck it. i've had enough of bullshit people. this isn't a "woe is me" ramble, but i've had to go through more rubbish fucked up crap than most 17 year olds i know. i'm not fucking stupid or naive. fuck off.
the worst fucking thing is that he's still fucking awesome. FUCK YOU.
i always end up in the same fucking place.
hahahaha i swear too much. i'm finding more and more that times of great sadness bring on bouts of mania. is this normal? like this evening when i was walking home in a fucking snow shower, getting a text from him telling me "sorry. bye", all i can do is laugh histerically at the ice falling down my back and giving me hypothermia.

meh... M is coming to stay on wednesday. yes he is. this is complete nonsense, but i'm at a point right now where i dont think anything can fuck me in the head any more. if you're reading this- please pray for me at 15:08 GMT on Wednesday afternoon 2nd March 2005. This is when his train arrives, and approximately when I will shit my pants. i have to entertain him for 2 whole days. how im not quite sure yet.... i have to work 4-8 thursday evening, and i told him i could see him thursday morning and afternoon, but then i have to work and he said 'can't i see you after work? i'll take you out for a meal.' yes. what fun. he has a girlfriend of about 2 and a half years, am i reading too much into him taking me out for dinner. coupled with the fact he "really cannot wait" to see me, i'm not too sure what to think.

I aint got no reason to think she's a bitch, it just sounds good to say

And so it is... said person from last post (let's call him D) and I aren't really speaking. I don't even know why.

I don't know if there is anyone that reads my blog regularly... (if so, I apologise for being rubbish) but guy from end of previous post (we can call him M) told me yesterday he wanted to come and see me. Next week. See, he's in the RAF and currently is staying several hundred miles away and last night was like "I'll come and see you, can I sleep on your bedroom floor?". He would like an answer today, but I don't know what to say. Apparently my answer is the first answer that comes to mind when I wake up. The only thing I was thinking about when I woke up this morning was D. Maybe all this weirdness and confusion is a reason for me to say yes, he can come and stay for a few days. He has this weird thing about him that leaves me in awe of everything he says and does. I was explaining to him about my temptation to quit school and join a trravelling circus because I have itchy feet and can't wait to escape everything here, his response: "if you're gonna hit the world; go out and hit it on the back of a tidal wave of sucess. not a donkey of 'gettting by'..."
This guy is the shit. I just.. meh.. we haven't been properly a part of each others lives for so long, I don't want it to ruin this wonderfully preserved image I have of him. Everybody is compared to him. What happens if I suddenly realise he isn't perfect? Or worse still, I realise he genuinely is?

untitled

I feel I should explain the last but one post. See, I kinda "met" this person- who is amazing. And I mean amazing. Incredible. "Idealistic and inspirational" if you like. But at the wrong time- a close member of his family is ill, and I have a slight inkling his heart still belongs someone else. So it didn't happen. Isn't happening. I don't know. This time last week I was recieving 30 texts a day from him (not in a creepy/obsessive way, in a nice way) and today I got none. Agh. I don't know. People like that don't come along very often. So I'm more than gutted. He is the reason for my unstable moods. Not because of him as such, but because he reminded me how to feel properly. Some of the shit I write sounds disgustingly cliche and sickening. I realise that. Accept my apologies please. I'm no poet. He was the reason I wrote the letters to the ex boyfriends. He was the reason I've been feeling so trnuuioergmdfgijeruion. And blegggghhh there's a chance he'll be reading this. So, again, forgive my defensiveness.
It's half term, and instead of spending my time doing homework, or revising for tests I have when we go back, I've been thinking about how I don't know if I want to go to uni, and about how little these stupid fucking exams mean. I think I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. I want to be me. At the moment, I don't care about exams. I don't care about going to university. I just want to LIVE. Not spend the next 4 or 5 years getting wasted every weekend and writing 10,000 word essays on fucking rocks or some shit.
Of the 2 letters I wrote to ex boyfriends, I sent one today. To the ex of 3 years. He text me at 1:30am on saturday saying "I want a fuck..". I didn't mention it in the letter, because I know he would've been so wasted he won't remember sending it. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again and that I forgive him. Yep, I actually told him I forgive him. I think I do. Or I'm starting to. But then maybe it's just due to presence of said special person that I'm feeling like this. SHIT. I fall for people far too easily.
Some other weirdness that I think has contributed to the oddest past 2 weeks I've ever had, was that I got a text message from this guy... who I guess was my first ever boyfriend, 3 and a half years ago. We haven't spoken in ages, and he often randomly says hi to see how I'm doing, we stay in touch for a while, and he disappears again to do some RAF stuff. I was talking to him, and he started to tell me how his chest was pounding and pounding for me. Naturally, I was a bit "you're so confusing". I was completely in love with him (or as in love as you can be at 14), and he knew I was. Yet most of him never made sense to be, except in hindsight. And the things I learnt from him have completely changed who I am today. As in, completely.. I'm such a different person to how I would've been if it wasn't for him.
I'm jibbering on about crap and its late. I talk about boys too much.

I feel like I'm losing faith in everyone and everything around me. And at the same time, I don't really trust myself right now. I hate this feeling. I'm supposed to be meeting my friend in half an hour, and I'm sitting at my pc, unshowered, undressed, not wanting to be alone, and not wanting to be near anyone else.
I think these are the moods that road trips were made for. If only I could drive.
I wrote 2 letters yesterday to ex-boyfriends. I think I said in a previous blog about having loose ends with some people... well that was my atempt to clear them up. Whether or not I will send them is another matter. I guess the fact I haven't yet is an indication that I'm doing it for my sake.
Blehh will write more later. Time is running out.
I hate time. I hate sorry.

Where I wanna be is closer to you

It's over before it even started. How does that work?
Shit. I'm always the "nearly" girl. Never the "everything" girl. And I'm being disgustingly selfish- I deserve to be shot. Bad timing. Bad timing.

I only ever post questions because I'm hoping someone more wise than myself will leave the answers.