untitled

I feel I should explain the last but one post. See, I kinda "met" this person- who is amazing. And I mean amazing. Incredible. "Idealistic and inspirational" if you like. But at the wrong time- a close member of his family is ill, and I have a slight inkling his heart still belongs someone else. So it didn't happen. Isn't happening. I don't know. This time last week I was recieving 30 texts a day from him (not in a creepy/obsessive way, in a nice way) and today I got none. Agh. I don't know. People like that don't come along very often. So I'm more than gutted. He is the reason for my unstable moods. Not because of him as such, but because he reminded me how to feel properly. Some of the shit I write sounds disgustingly cliche and sickening. I realise that. Accept my apologies please. I'm no poet. He was the reason I wrote the letters to the ex boyfriends. He was the reason I've been feeling so trnuuioergmdfgijeruion. And blegggghhh there's a chance he'll be reading this. So, again, forgive my defensiveness.
It's half term, and instead of spending my time doing homework, or revising for tests I have when we go back, I've been thinking about how I don't know if I want to go to uni, and about how little these stupid fucking exams mean. I think I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. I want to be me. At the moment, I don't care about exams. I don't care about going to university. I just want to LIVE. Not spend the next 4 or 5 years getting wasted every weekend and writing 10,000 word essays on fucking rocks or some shit.
Of the 2 letters I wrote to ex boyfriends, I sent one today. To the ex of 3 years. He text me at 1:30am on saturday saying "I want a fuck..". I didn't mention it in the letter, because I know he would've been so wasted he won't remember sending it. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again and that I forgive him. Yep, I actually told him I forgive him. I think I do. Or I'm starting to. But then maybe it's just due to presence of said special person that I'm feeling like this. SHIT. I fall for people far too easily.
Some other weirdness that I think has contributed to the oddest past 2 weeks I've ever had, was that I got a text message from this guy... who I guess was my first ever boyfriend, 3 and a half years ago. We haven't spoken in ages, and he often randomly says hi to see how I'm doing, we stay in touch for a while, and he disappears again to do some RAF stuff. I was talking to him, and he started to tell me how his chest was pounding and pounding for me. Naturally, I was a bit "you're so confusing". I was completely in love with him (or as in love as you can be at 14), and he knew I was. Yet most of him never made sense to be, except in hindsight. And the things I learnt from him have completely changed who I am today. As in, completely.. I'm such a different person to how I would've been if it wasn't for him.
I'm jibbering on about crap and its late. I talk about boys too much.