Sometimes I find it's better to be someone else

Back from Malaysia... I had the best two months ever. I did so many things I can't even start to list them. Met some truly fantastic people. AWESOMENESS.
Get up and GO!

I wouldn't have come home had it not been for the lack of money (why I decided not to take a credit card with me is beyond me..) and the boyfriend. I decided while I was away that I wanted to go alone, to Thailand and the states, just to be me. And I knew this wouldn't go well with him I decided that not doing something I really really want to do because of someone else is stupid so I would go anyway, but when it came down to it, it seems I need him and couldn't stand to break up with him. So he's coming with me, which will be fun but not quite the same as going it alone. Does the fact I wanted to go alone mean I shouldn't be with him? Im so much more independent than he is, and it causes a lot of problems in that he just doesn't get that I want to be alone sometimes or do things by myself because I enjoy my own company and don't NEED someone there. Ugh. I dont know. I've been over this so many times in my head over the last few weeks. Sometimes I feel like... the thing with me and Alex is that although we've been together for nearly a year, we're both pretty introvert people so we don't know all of each other, and we're still getting to know each other. Which is great, because I'm starting to feel like I can be me around him, I can cry in front of him and I can be honest with him. But then I worry that I'm becoming dependent upon him because we've been together for so long. If I was someone who isnt me, reading this I'd say I was scared of commitment. But it's really not that. I just feel like maybe I should hold out for something else... like I haven't experienced enough to make decisions so big.

Anyway, I'm going to see Dave Matthews play live so life is good.

The more you know, you know you don't know shit

5 weeks today, I'm catching a plane to Malaysia. Brilliant!

I haven't posted for 8 months. Which is a shame, and means a loss of many good thoughts which I'm sure have passed through my head in that time.
Sometimes I think it's all a bit too Ally Macbeal, this blogging stuff.

Christmas always turns out to be a depressing time of year for me- I'm too old to be excited. And haveing a minimum wage shopp assistant job in retail means Christmas starts in September. So by December 25th I've had enough of it. And I only have half a family since the parents split, whch was what used to make it so much more fun.

Just call me scrooge.

Oh, and I may sleep through new years celebration. It's the most stupid celebration anyway. And I don't enjoy alcohol.

However, I am determined to make 2006 something different. I've had far too many decisions to make recently- education realted mainly- and have decided that perhaps the best decision is not to make any decisions and see where I end up. Or is that just irresponsible?

The most interesting people are usually the people whose CV's could be the basis of a decent sized novel. I'd like to be one of those people, I think.

bleugh

D: we got quite close for a while didn't we
me: i think so. it's funny how a few weeks can change things
D: sorry
D: you're a great girl. i got all insensitive and psycho
me: 'you're a great girl' is nearly as bad as 'you deserve better'
me: its nothing to be sorry for
D: well it would be if we were going out.. but from this position, i see it as a nice compliment
me: perhaps. then thanks, i guess
D: never mind.
D: sorry. even if it is.. umm.. not needed
me: i really hate sorries
me: but music makes me happy
D: okay. enjoy your music!

2 blogs in 2 days... I'm getting good

This morning I spent a whole hour dancing around my living room to Snuzz and the Wallflowers like a 13 year old who had overdosed on E numbers. It felt great.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning out my room and throwing out all the junk I've accumulated over the years. I didn't really want to do it, but a spider went under my bed so I had to go in to hoover him up. I have to spend 2 months in the Indonesian rainforest- how am I going to cope? But anywho, it feels nice not to have so much rubbish in my room. And I found at least 10p in coppers under my matress. Score. Only £2389.90 to go!

I'm feeling genuinely excited about my travels next year. For someone who has never left Europe and never been on a plane before- going to Indonesia by myself, and then travelling down to Australia by myself is a big step. A scary step. But I think it's what I need. Mum thinks I won't come back (even though Australia's strict immigration laws will make me) and will never end up going to uni. Meh. Perhaps I won't. Is that so bad? I don't have any genuine desire for a career anyway. But I'll tell you what does rock. Finding old compilation tapes and minidiscs when I was cleaning out my room and remembering HOW COOL THE NINETIES WERE!! Spice Girls rock my world. I always wanted to be Scary Spice when I was 10. She was way cool. And then I was listening to the radio and they played Hollar, which was a newer Spice Girls song and it totally rocked my eyeballs off. Music makes me happy.

"Oooooh you don't know what it is you've done, oooooooh just to show that you're having fun" I think this is Eagle Eye Cherry, but I don't care beacuse I'm loving it.

Of all my resolutions from yesterday I have commited the following sins:
-I drank a hot chocolate
-I ate some cookies
-I got a bus into town
-I watched The OC and spent that hour swooning over Adam Brody

I think the last one is going to be the hardest to stop doing. He's such a hottie. And he likes Ben Folds Five. Which, of course, is the most important criteria to meet when looking for a love object.
But I have resisted the urge to smoke. So I feel proud of myself on that point. But they are sitting within inches of me and calling, calling my name with their sweetly disgusting but comforting smokey breath.


"I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I really really really want a zigga zigga ahhh"

I'm the coolest 17 year old I know.

I've been people watching. I think they watch me too

Right now, bulemia has never seemed so tempting.

I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel sick. Perhaps because I've hugely exceeded my reccomended daily intake of bananas. I've completely wasted the past 2 days of my life. The only slightly significant thing I've done is read an artical on global warming, during which I fell asleep and napped for half of the day.

I'M SUCH A LOSER.

My exams are in 6 weeks and I've done fuck all revision. Underachieving doesn't even come close to defining me. I'm slipping into one of my "bleggghhhhh" phases again. Worse than being down is being nowhere at all. And that's exactly how I feel now. I'm nowhere. I just hate myself for being so pathetic and self-consumed.

I've eaten way too much today and smoked far too many cigarettes. One of those stupid statistics tells me that every cigarette is an hour off my life. meh. We're all getting cancer eventually anyway.

I don't want to have to care about this. I hate not being a perfect size 8 anymore. I hate finding my first stretch mark. I hate not being able to be naked when I'm only with myself because I make myself feel repulsed. I can't even spend a day without wearing mascara and doing my hair when I'm home alone because I hate seeing myself looking like that and I hate feeling ugly.

Worst of all, I hate my personality right now. I dislike the way I am around people. I don't like my mannerisms, the way I dress, my inconsistant sense of humour, I hate my smile, I hate my laugh, I hate my voice. I hate that I hate.

As of tomorrow I resolve:
-not to drink any more tea/coffee/hot chocolate
-not to eat any more cake/sweets
-not to weight myself anymore (and feel depressed when I'm not a perfect 8 stone), but instead measure my health on how I feel
-not to smoke anymore cigarettes
-not to think of Dan everytime I listen to his CD's, and instead enjoy the music. Because it's good
-not to define my life through lyrics
-to start doing yoga and wearing baggy sweat pants
-to buy clothes based on their practicality rather than because they look good
-to stop getting the bus/lifts and start walking places
-to stop listening to stupid emo music that I don't even like
-to stop arguing with my mum
-to start talking to my family more
-to stop looking at ex boyfriends online profiles to see whether they've broken up with their new cooler-than-me girlfriends
-to stop drunken attempts to text ex boyfriends to tell them I still think about them
-to not drink unless it's to go out dancing and have fun
-to not spend so much time online wasting my life
-to start revising
-to finish my coursework before spring break is over
-to improve my posture
-to stop wearing a studded belt
-to update my windows version
-to read The Times at least once a week
-to not fall in love with Seth a little more every time I watch The OC
-to lower my expectations of humans in general

Oh, and it turns out Mark isn't ignoring me. He went to New York. And forgot to tell me.

Wanker.

the post that had insufficient punctuation

i think im really annoying. im sure there must be something about me that repels people. on the bus home today, there were no spare seats. except the one next to me. and i was near the front. how does that work? i'm not intimidating to look at. i think i must give off some obnoxious hormone that subconsciously tells people not to come near me or talk to me, or stay my friend for very long. i've text mark 4 times and he hasn't replied to one of them. i thought that after a week of not hearing from him (he'd usually call me every other night) that perhaps he'd died. so i rang him (a few times), and his phone is on but he's not answering it-that was a week ago. so i assume he is still alive. what is it about me that causes people to act this way? and i know what you're thinking, you witty lot, i don't smell. it was the same with dan, at one point he said he felt closer to me than anyone else, then bam! i don't know what happened but we stopped talking and now when we do it's weird and awkward because i feel like he thinks nothing of me. how do relationships with people reach that point where you know there's nothing left anymore? it's happened with friends so many times. at one point you're closer to people than your own family, and you're convinced that it'll stay that way forever. but people change and grow and leave home and there's no consistency in anything anymore. perhaps it's because i have an inconsistent personality. i can't express myself at all. least of all when i'm talking to people. most people don't understand what im talking about a lot of the time. it's probably because i talk shit and quote too many song lyrics instead of explaining myself. meh.. i'm starting to realise i'm a lot more like my mum than i ever thought i was or would be. we don't get on that well, and i'm beginning think our likeness is probably why. we're both very stubborn and to an extent i think this comes across as arrogance. at least with me i think it does. i have quite strong opinions, but only when i know these opinions are justified, and people often assume it's narrow mindedness but my lack of effort that goes into explaining my opinions makes people think i'm an ass. which i probably am. i dont know. i have eccentric tendencies but i'm a complete introvert. i have analy retentive habbits but i'm insanely messy and disorganised and rubbish with money. why do i feel like i have to box myself into some categories? i wish i was one of those people who was comfortable with themselves, but instead i'm constantly analysing my behaviour and other people. i always want to look like someone prettier than me, and dress like someone cooler than me, and be as outgoing as the girls that all the boys love to flirt with. but i'm me. and i dont think i'm quite used to that yet.

out of nothing

Why does life feel like a roundabout, why am I feeling the same way I have so many times before?
I fall for people far too easily. And I think my problem is that I have trouble coming to terms with the inconsistency of people in life. I never considered myself to be a people-person, but it's the lack of nearness from people I care about that hurts the most. I think I'm at a place where all those horrible cliche saying are starting to mean something. Perhaps ignorance is indeed bliss.
I've convinced myself that I'd feel better if I believe it was something that meant different things to both of us- he needed someone at that time, and I was there, but never what he wanted.. I was just.. well, being me, and falling for people too easily. But this realisation makes me sad. I don't want to think it.

Randomly, an extract of a self-consumed email I wrote to someone recently:

"I think irony is defining who I am right now. There are so many things that are contradicting me. I could make a list, but it would make no sense at all. You're right in that I'm possibly more confused right now than most of before, yet I find comfort in confusion somehow, if it all made sense I think it would make life less interesting. You're disturbingly right in that I have no balance between happiness in me and adapting to people around me. So many times have I found myself close to people that I start to lose myself. And I think this is a bad thing. To quote the Duritz:
"Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too
Just the way you do
Thought if I told you
You might want to stay for just another day or two""

Reading over things I've written to different people, I realise that I'm incredibly sort of... clingy and impressionable. And so 17. I am regressing in my years, I'm sure I was never this naive or unsure of myself a year or two ago. Even writing this, I feel like kicking myself and saying 'what the fuck is wrong with you! grow the hell up and stop being such an awkward tool'.