the post that had insufficient punctuation

i think im really annoying. im sure there must be something about me that repels people. on the bus home today, there were no spare seats. except the one next to me. and i was near the front. how does that work? i'm not intimidating to look at. i think i must give off some obnoxious hormone that subconsciously tells people not to come near me or talk to me, or stay my friend for very long. i've text mark 4 times and he hasn't replied to one of them. i thought that after a week of not hearing from him (he'd usually call me every other night) that perhaps he'd died. so i rang him (a few times), and his phone is on but he's not answering it-that was a week ago. so i assume he is still alive. what is it about me that causes people to act this way? and i know what you're thinking, you witty lot, i don't smell. it was the same with dan, at one point he said he felt closer to me than anyone else, then bam! i don't know what happened but we stopped talking and now when we do it's weird and awkward because i feel like he thinks nothing of me. how do relationships with people reach that point where you know there's nothing left anymore? it's happened with friends so many times. at one point you're closer to people than your own family, and you're convinced that it'll stay that way forever. but people change and grow and leave home and there's no consistency in anything anymore. perhaps it's because i have an inconsistent personality. i can't express myself at all. least of all when i'm talking to people. most people don't understand what im talking about a lot of the time. it's probably because i talk shit and quote too many song lyrics instead of explaining myself. meh.. i'm starting to realise i'm a lot more like my mum than i ever thought i was or would be. we don't get on that well, and i'm beginning think our likeness is probably why. we're both very stubborn and to an extent i think this comes across as arrogance. at least with me i think it does. i have quite strong opinions, but only when i know these opinions are justified, and people often assume it's narrow mindedness but my lack of effort that goes into explaining my opinions makes people think i'm an ass. which i probably am. i dont know. i have eccentric tendencies but i'm a complete introvert. i have analy retentive habbits but i'm insanely messy and disorganised and rubbish with money. why do i feel like i have to box myself into some categories? i wish i was one of those people who was comfortable with themselves, but instead i'm constantly analysing my behaviour and other people. i always want to look like someone prettier than me, and dress like someone cooler than me, and be as outgoing as the girls that all the boys love to flirt with. but i'm me. and i dont think i'm quite used to that yet.

out of nothing

Why does life feel like a roundabout, why am I feeling the same way I have so many times before?
I fall for people far too easily. And I think my problem is that I have trouble coming to terms with the inconsistency of people in life. I never considered myself to be a people-person, but it's the lack of nearness from people I care about that hurts the most. I think I'm at a place where all those horrible cliche saying are starting to mean something. Perhaps ignorance is indeed bliss.
I've convinced myself that I'd feel better if I believe it was something that meant different things to both of us- he needed someone at that time, and I was there, but never what he wanted.. I was just.. well, being me, and falling for people too easily. But this realisation makes me sad. I don't want to think it.

Randomly, an extract of a self-consumed email I wrote to someone recently:

"I think irony is defining who I am right now. There are so many things that are contradicting me. I could make a list, but it would make no sense at all. You're right in that I'm possibly more confused right now than most of before, yet I find comfort in confusion somehow, if it all made sense I think it would make life less interesting. You're disturbingly right in that I have no balance between happiness in me and adapting to people around me. So many times have I found myself close to people that I start to lose myself. And I think this is a bad thing. To quote the Duritz:
"Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too
Just the way you do
Thought if I told you
You might want to stay for just another day or two""

Reading over things I've written to different people, I realise that I'm incredibly sort of... clingy and impressionable. And so 17. I am regressing in my years, I'm sure I was never this naive or unsure of myself a year or two ago. Even writing this, I feel like kicking myself and saying 'what the fuck is wrong with you! grow the hell up and stop being such an awkward tool'.

Siamese Dream

I often go to write stuff here, get about a paragraph in, realise I'm nowhere near saying what I mean and delete it all. Pointless? Yes. But nothing is completely pointless when you're the untimate procrastinator.

I rarely mean what I say and even more rarely do I say what I mean. We're always in the same place- having the same conversations, trying to explain the same things (in the blind hope that someone might catch your drift), going through the same feeling(s) we've been through tens of times before, each time making less sense than the time before (because, afterall- you've been here before, why was the lesson not learnt?), the people are the only non-constant thing. And that is the longest sentence in the history of blogging. I need to work on my punctuation.
I tend to fall for people who are emotionally intelligent. Some people have a way of making sense of things that are completely nonsensical to me. When I say this, I'm talking about Dan. I just like to make it impersonal because Blogs that talk about actual people annoy me. It's not like anybody knows who they fuck they're on about...

I'm annoying myself with the fact that I'm still in my awkward teen "meeehhhhhh I'm uncomfortable with myself, GIVE ME AVRIL!" phase. But if things made sense, they'd be less interesting, right? And doesn't the fact I'm aware of this make me less teen-like? Why do I have problems with being a teenager? Why am I asking my blog rhetorical questions?

I was talking to RAF guy last night. And it dawned on me that he has no idea what the fuck I'm on about. And I don't mean that in a pretentious way. I just think we're not very much like each other. He thinks we are. I don't know who is right.
Example, I have a tendency towards texting people song lyrics instead of anything original:
me: sometimes I quote songs because what I take from them makes more sense than anything I could say. But then people take different meanings from lyrics, so I guess I should stop doing it...
him: yeah, I know what you mean. Like, you could text me saying "I am colorblind" (Counting Crows song) and I would take from it that you're feeling confused and lost etc etc, but you could send it to someone who has never heard the song and they would think 'Shit! She's colourblind!' (because we English folk can spell properly).

He really didn't get what I meant. And I think most of the time he takes what I say to mean something in the simplest way possible. This is either because I'm shit at expressing myself, because he thinks I'm simple and not capable of anything more, or because he's stupid.

My thought of the day..

Is it worse to pretend to be interested in what somebody's saying or to instead act as a complete ass who couldn't give a shit?

I guess what I'm saying is that I find it hard to strike a balance between holding a level of interest that is socially acceptable and seeming to not care about what people are saying to me- when it more often that not atually means something to them. I watch people do this all the time -and I think my conscious awareness of it is the main reason I'm so socially retarded- they'll listen to what you say; give appropriate responses; nod their head accordingly and so on and so forth. It's always the most interesting part (to me) to see how they slip themselves into the conversation. If you watch two people conversing for an susbtaitial amount of time it's obvious that all a conversation is is a battle between two people to talk about themselves.

Anyway, I just went to the toilet and lost my trail of thought...

Am I the only person that ever gets that irrational fear that everybody is ignoring them...

On a sidenote, check out this link
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/lohanhilton.mp3

..although I'm sure half of the internet world has already. It's funny. You might have to turn the volume up a bit, it's difficult to hear, but well worth it.

It's Indie Rock & Roll For Me

First off, apologies for the amount of swear words in the last post. Only when I am in a sane state of mind can I be so disgusted at myself- otherwise I wouldn't mind.

So yeah... M has been and gone. It was weird. Odd. Wrong. Sad. Suprisingly unawkward. He stayed at mine on Wednesday night, and we stayed up talking until 5am. Quite an achievement you might say, but bear in mind about an hour of that was him reciting Shakespere to me in a sleep deprived state until I eventually fell asleep on him and started talking to him in my sleep.
He kissed me. God... when you're young you don't appreciate good kisses. But now it's easy to tell a good kisser from a bad kisser, and he isn't one of the good ones. I know that makes me sound ridiculously shallow- I'm not, I do realise that it takes 2 people to make a good kiss. I guess it means there was no chemistry. I don't think there was. I regret kissing him because now it's going to be kind of weird if he comes again, which I'm sure he will because he's moving to an RAF base closer to home pretty soon.
And I actually cried in front of him when we said goodbye.
He couldn't give me a straight answer as to whether or not he still had a girlfriend, apparently they're not talking.. but I don't think I believe that they aren't still an item. Then he tells me that his reason for coming was because he needed a friend, and he had no intention of making me his girlfriend- so why the fuck did he kiss me? And why did he emphasise the "had". Agh.