I've been people watching. I think they watch me too

Right now, bulemia has never seemed so tempting.

I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel sick. Perhaps because I've hugely exceeded my reccomended daily intake of bananas. I've completely wasted the past 2 days of my life. The only slightly significant thing I've done is read an artical on global warming, during which I fell asleep and napped for half of the day.

I'M SUCH A LOSER.

My exams are in 6 weeks and I've done fuck all revision. Underachieving doesn't even come close to defining me. I'm slipping into one of my "bleggghhhhh" phases again. Worse than being down is being nowhere at all. And that's exactly how I feel now. I'm nowhere. I just hate myself for being so pathetic and self-consumed.

I've eaten way too much today and smoked far too many cigarettes. One of those stupid statistics tells me that every cigarette is an hour off my life. meh. We're all getting cancer eventually anyway.

I don't want to have to care about this. I hate not being a perfect size 8 anymore. I hate finding my first stretch mark. I hate not being able to be naked when I'm only with myself because I make myself feel repulsed. I can't even spend a day without wearing mascara and doing my hair when I'm home alone because I hate seeing myself looking like that and I hate feeling ugly.

Worst of all, I hate my personality right now. I dislike the way I am around people. I don't like my mannerisms, the way I dress, my inconsistant sense of humour, I hate my smile, I hate my laugh, I hate my voice. I hate that I hate.

As of tomorrow I resolve:
-not to drink any more tea/coffee/hot chocolate
-not to eat any more cake/sweets
-not to weight myself anymore (and feel depressed when I'm not a perfect 8 stone), but instead measure my health on how I feel
-not to smoke anymore cigarettes
-not to think of Dan everytime I listen to his CD's, and instead enjoy the music. Because it's good
-not to define my life through lyrics
-to start doing yoga and wearing baggy sweat pants
-to buy clothes based on their practicality rather than because they look good
-to stop getting the bus/lifts and start walking places
-to stop listening to stupid emo music that I don't even like
-to stop arguing with my mum
-to start talking to my family more
-to stop looking at ex boyfriends online profiles to see whether they've broken up with their new cooler-than-me girlfriends
-to stop drunken attempts to text ex boyfriends to tell them I still think about them
-to not drink unless it's to go out dancing and have fun
-to not spend so much time online wasting my life
-to start revising
-to finish my coursework before spring break is over
-to improve my posture
-to stop wearing a studded belt
-to update my windows version
-to read The Times at least once a week
-to not fall in love with Seth a little more every time I watch The OC
-to lower my expectations of humans in general

Oh, and it turns out Mark isn't ignoring me. He went to New York. And forgot to tell me.

Wanker.