bleugh

D: we got quite close for a while didn't we
me: i think so. it's funny how a few weeks can change things
D: sorry
D: you're a great girl. i got all insensitive and psycho
me: 'you're a great girl' is nearly as bad as 'you deserve better'
me: its nothing to be sorry for
D: well it would be if we were going out.. but from this position, i see it as a nice compliment
me: perhaps. then thanks, i guess
D: never mind.
D: sorry. even if it is.. umm.. not needed
me: i really hate sorries
me: but music makes me happy
D: okay. enjoy your music!

2 blogs in 2 days... I'm getting good

This morning I spent a whole hour dancing around my living room to Snuzz and the Wallflowers like a 13 year old who had overdosed on E numbers. It felt great.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning out my room and throwing out all the junk I've accumulated over the years. I didn't really want to do it, but a spider went under my bed so I had to go in to hoover him up. I have to spend 2 months in the Indonesian rainforest- how am I going to cope? But anywho, it feels nice not to have so much rubbish in my room. And I found at least 10p in coppers under my matress. Score. Only £2389.90 to go!

I'm feeling genuinely excited about my travels next year. For someone who has never left Europe and never been on a plane before- going to Indonesia by myself, and then travelling down to Australia by myself is a big step. A scary step. But I think it's what I need. Mum thinks I won't come back (even though Australia's strict immigration laws will make me) and will never end up going to uni. Meh. Perhaps I won't. Is that so bad? I don't have any genuine desire for a career anyway. But I'll tell you what does rock. Finding old compilation tapes and minidiscs when I was cleaning out my room and remembering HOW COOL THE NINETIES WERE!! Spice Girls rock my world. I always wanted to be Scary Spice when I was 10. She was way cool. And then I was listening to the radio and they played Hollar, which was a newer Spice Girls song and it totally rocked my eyeballs off. Music makes me happy.

"Oooooh you don't know what it is you've done, oooooooh just to show that you're having fun" I think this is Eagle Eye Cherry, but I don't care beacuse I'm loving it.

Of all my resolutions from yesterday I have commited the following sins:
-I drank a hot chocolate
-I ate some cookies
-I got a bus into town
-I watched The OC and spent that hour swooning over Adam Brody

I think the last one is going to be the hardest to stop doing. He's such a hottie. And he likes Ben Folds Five. Which, of course, is the most important criteria to meet when looking for a love object.
But I have resisted the urge to smoke. So I feel proud of myself on that point. But they are sitting within inches of me and calling, calling my name with their sweetly disgusting but comforting smokey breath.


"I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I really really really want a zigga zigga ahhh"

I'm the coolest 17 year old I know.

I've been people watching. I think they watch me too

Right now, bulemia has never seemed so tempting.

I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel sick. Perhaps because I've hugely exceeded my reccomended daily intake of bananas. I've completely wasted the past 2 days of my life. The only slightly significant thing I've done is read an artical on global warming, during which I fell asleep and napped for half of the day.

I'M SUCH A LOSER.

My exams are in 6 weeks and I've done fuck all revision. Underachieving doesn't even come close to defining me. I'm slipping into one of my "bleggghhhhh" phases again. Worse than being down is being nowhere at all. And that's exactly how I feel now. I'm nowhere. I just hate myself for being so pathetic and self-consumed.

I've eaten way too much today and smoked far too many cigarettes. One of those stupid statistics tells me that every cigarette is an hour off my life. meh. We're all getting cancer eventually anyway.

I don't want to have to care about this. I hate not being a perfect size 8 anymore. I hate finding my first stretch mark. I hate not being able to be naked when I'm only with myself because I make myself feel repulsed. I can't even spend a day without wearing mascara and doing my hair when I'm home alone because I hate seeing myself looking like that and I hate feeling ugly.

Worst of all, I hate my personality right now. I dislike the way I am around people. I don't like my mannerisms, the way I dress, my inconsistant sense of humour, I hate my smile, I hate my laugh, I hate my voice. I hate that I hate.

As of tomorrow I resolve:
-not to drink any more tea/coffee/hot chocolate
-not to eat any more cake/sweets
-not to weight myself anymore (and feel depressed when I'm not a perfect 8 stone), but instead measure my health on how I feel
-not to smoke anymore cigarettes
-not to think of Dan everytime I listen to his CD's, and instead enjoy the music. Because it's good
-not to define my life through lyrics
-to start doing yoga and wearing baggy sweat pants
-to buy clothes based on their practicality rather than because they look good
-to stop getting the bus/lifts and start walking places
-to stop listening to stupid emo music that I don't even like
-to stop arguing with my mum
-to start talking to my family more
-to stop looking at ex boyfriends online profiles to see whether they've broken up with their new cooler-than-me girlfriends
-to stop drunken attempts to text ex boyfriends to tell them I still think about them
-to not drink unless it's to go out dancing and have fun
-to not spend so much time online wasting my life
-to start revising
-to finish my coursework before spring break is over
-to improve my posture
-to stop wearing a studded belt
-to update my windows version
-to read The Times at least once a week
-to not fall in love with Seth a little more every time I watch The OC
-to lower my expectations of humans in general

Oh, and it turns out Mark isn't ignoring me. He went to New York. And forgot to tell me.

Wanker.