Feeling selfish guilt

I just wrote an extremely apologetic and long email to my friend who I saw only a few hours ago. Her mum is extremely ill with secondary cancer, and me, said friend and another friend went for a coffee and a chat together. This is the one thing that completely numbs me as to what I should say. Ok, maybe that's wrong.. I know what I 'should' say. But this somehow doesn't feel enough for someone who has been there so unconditionally for me (even though I'm so fucking anally retentive and show about as much emotion as... well, someone who doesn't show much of them). This thing is so much greater than what she has helped me through that no words seem adequate.
I don't know how to tell her that I care, and I am here for her other than to say it in such layman terms. And I'm feeling bad for not knowing how to tell her in a more poetic (if you will) way. And I don't know what to say. So as she and my other friend sit talking about how her mum has lost nearly all of her hair through chemotherapy, and how she can't stand to be near anybody for a week afterwards because any smells make her vomit, I am speechless. I, myself, cannot grasp what this means. And I find it impossible to imagine what it must be like for her and her parents.
Yet at this moment I'm also feeling selfish for feeling bad about how I feel. Get me? I just... ugh. I'm not good with words, and I'm not good with people. I just want her to know that I care.

So I just had the most random conversation on MSN with the Sensitive One. We 'spoke' for about 3 hours, and it was the most honest conversation I've had with someone for a very long time. Maybe because it's easier to be honest with someone over the internet than it is face to face. I can't decide whether he's overly emo or a romantic. He comes out with a lot of 'deep' stuff. The reason for putting it in inverted commas is simple; I suspect it's a load of regurgitated dashboard confessional lyrics. And I told him this, and that it irritates me that he can conform to a subculture which in inself calims to be non-conformist, yet he's giving away the entirity of his personality to anyone who looks at him. And that he can befriend people based on their fashion sense and musical taste. There is nothing more irritating (to me) than people who have friends who are 90% the same person as they are.
Of course, he still claims to be a romantic at heart and that he doesn't see himself as part of any mass. And part of me believed it. Hmm. Maybe it's because its 2am and I'm extremely tired.
I know that to a certain extent I am guilty of conforming to a fashion, but it in no way gives away any part of my personality. Emo boys are confusing. Well at least that one is.

It's a lifetime commitment

It was yet another uneventful Christmas. The type where even though you drink a lot, it has no effect because you're so bored. And I think this year was the first year where I had absolutely no excitement about Christmas at all. I guess that means I'm officially grown up. What a poo. I don't ever want to grow up. I know that to an extent "growing up" is completely optional, and its easy to stay young at heart even if your body is slowly decaying... but it's impossible to keep hold of that magic you have when you're younger. To see the whole world is such a naieve, optimistic way. It makes me sad to think that I've lost that ability, and it's pretty much going to be downhill from here on in. Society corrupts everybody. If I had it my way I'd live in a tent in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but my Ben Folds Five CD collection and a few Bill Bryson books.
A girl can dream...

Last night, I decided (for some massively stupid reason) that it would be a good idea to send a text message to the ex boyfriend of 3 years. This was for 2 reasons really; I always miss him on days like that (cliche, huh?) and I thought for a split second that maybe he'd grown up a bit and we could possibly salvage something from our best-friends-turned-messed-up-relationship type situation. How wrong I was! It annoys the hell out of me that it always comes down to one thing. And it wouldn't take more than 3 guesses to get there. We haven't spoken for about 3 months (I just noticed all the 3's in this paragraph haha), and he's as twat-ish as ever. Then I woke up to a message this morning that just said "i wana f*** you". Charming.
He's such a loser, I can't believe that I was ever with him for that long. Maybe if I'd been sensible enough to get out of it earlier I'd be a happy bunny. But everybody has to have one crappy relationship in their life don't they, it makes us appreciate the good ones more. I just never thought I'd ever be with someone simply for the fact that I needed them. Because that's all it ever really was. I needed him more than I ever loved him. Yay for being pathetic and dependent.

I'm yet to do any studying, which I'm not suprised at. But on the upside, I'm down to one job as of the new year. My wonderfully kind boss made me realise I was being silly trying to take 3 A levels aswell as working nearly 30 hours a week, so she 'let me go'... no, I wasnt sacked, and she ddi say I'm welcome to go back "if circumstances change" and I need another job. She is lovely :) Having the money was nice... oh well. Mum is counting on me, the only one of me and my siblings to go to uni.

I wonder, in the Counting Crows song, what does he mean by "Recovering the Sattelites"? It's been bugging me for a while, so if anoyone is reading this and they have deciphered it, please let me know.
I've decided that songs where you have to interpret the meaning yourself are the best kind. Even if you don't get it right all of the time.

Bored of waiting to be found

Just a rough draft before I head out to buy mars bar cake ingredients for mum's birthday. I didn't get her anything, should I feel bad? I don't like celebratory days anyway, they seem all so pointless to me, and they're always such a anti-climax it's probably less disspointing to cancel them altogether. What percentage of people who celebrate Christmas are actually Christian? I'd hazard a guess at about 2%. It's sad really. I don't dislike Christmas as a day, it's really the only time I can show my family and (few) friends that I care about them, by putting a lot of thought into what I buy them. But there's nothing more irritating that a thoughtless present. I realise that's a totally selfish comment, but if you're not going to use your imagination, I'd rather recieve nothing. Actually, I'd rather have a hug, but there's a desperate lack of affection in my house so I gave up on that idea a long time ago.

It slightly weirded me out that someone commented on my last post. I say weirded out, but I don't mean it in a bad way (thank you to pussinboots :)), only that I didnt really expect anyone to read it, and like I said, I am only writing it for me. Perhaps it will be of some use to people who can unscramble my thoughts and make some sense of it. I also found it a bit funny to read 'keep up the good work' (or something along those lines) because I consider myself to be a hopeless writer. I'm a science boff. Hmm but I've started to realise that you can't judge someones personality according to what they're interested in. The best example I guess would be two of the most amazing people I have ever met. One was a physics/maths enthusiast and one was completely into the arts. But they both shared this amazing quality of being able to think so amazingly widely. It's bing able to appreciate the small things, and taking your time without worrying about the constraints of modern life. Ack, I've tried so many times to explain this to myself, putting it into words for others to read is impossible.
Actually, this kind of scares me. It scares me that I can't judge people withint a short period of knowing them, because I am an old-fashioned romantic, and, like most teens, I am insanely deperate to fall in love. If I can't judge people and catergorise so easily, it's difficult to know who is who.

I've officially completely lost my appetite. It's not that I don't get hungry, but eating isn't enjoyable for me anymore. I don't actively want to eat because it seems a bit pointless if I'm not going to enjoy it. When weighing myself the other day, I realise I've reached my lowest weight for about 3 years. Under 8 stone. That isn't good I guess. Nor is the fact that I no longer feel hunger pains.


Ugh, I'm stupidly tired. Today was another uselessly wasted day. I'm just realising how much school work I need to do before going back after Christmas, and it seems impossible. That's probably due to my ridiculous lack of motivation to do anything at the moment. I'm an amazingly good procrastinator. This isn't a good thing. I need to stop having 2 jobs, and I need to start studying outside of school. Maybe that should be my new years' resolution. I don't want to fall into that field of only working with the minimum I need to in order to get by. I don't know why I'm being like this, I want to excel, I want to be passionate about something. But at the moment I'm lacking any extrem emotion other than feeling down.

I need to go to sleep. I will read a few chapters about criminal psychology in the morning before heading off to work, and I will do it with a highlighter at hand.
And I will start deciding what the hell I'm going to do during my gap year. Right now, Australia seems far away enough to keep me happy. I'm insanely desperate to get away from this place.

Is it wrong to date as many people as I can in order to find someone who makes me happy? I'm bored of waiting to be found. And I'm beginning to think fate doesn't exist.

Post #1

First post.. I guess this should be meaningful or something. But to be quite honest, this is just a collection of my thoughts, and for completely selfish reasons I am choosing to annonymously store them on the internet. I'm often finding that I have good thoughts and they're so easily forgotten that it's a shame, or sometimes it's easier to make sense of the world if it's written down and can be reflected on (or cringed at) at a later date.

First note to self: Don't try to type too quickly, typo's are a pain in the ass to correct...

I guess that all that's really been on my mind today is the feeling of regret. After (mostly) getting over my fleeting "relationship" with the Sensitive One, I've realised that I wasn't so upset because I loved/lusted after him, but it was because being that unconditionally happy was how I always thought my teenage years would be. I guess that's the result of listening to too many Blink182 songs... I regret not ever having a boyfriend to simply have fun with. Someone to be with where the only issue was enjoying each others company, and it was never more complicated than that. "Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember". Ugh, I just realise how teen-angsty I'm sounding. I regret that the only real relationship I've ever known was always based upon who could get one over on the other by hurting them more. And that for some reason I thought this was love.
My mother said a funny thing to me the other day, she claimed that coming from a dysfunctional family doesn't make someone insecure, but quite the oposite. And that the Sensitive One's fully functional, Christian, middle-classed family was the reason he was so insecure. On the surface, this makes absolutely no sense to me. As far as I see myself, I am completely insecure and dependent and all the weak things that I shouldn't be. The only difference is that I choose to only show this part of me to a few people. But then maybe this point of not showing it to people makes me more secure about myself... I don't know. I am aware of the things which have made me a better/stronger person, but I'm also aware of how easy it is to bring me back down to being a scared little girl that nobody knows. And I completely hate how cliche that sounds, but underneath a hell of a lot of sarcasm, that's all I can be. Except being this person is what I hate. I'd love to be as strong minded as some people I know, and to be able to believe that I can do things, because I am me. I want to believe that (to quote R. Kelly) I am the world's greatest. But it's a sad fact that I know I'm not, and that it's going to take another person to make me like this. It suck to I know I am only ever going to be the other half of someone else, I don't feel complete as I am. *sigh* I miss his kiss, and the way he touched my cheeks...

I don't really know where this post is headed, rather than a lot of ranting about things that should be left in the past (but which will also inevitbly arise in the future). So I will sign off and head to bed.
The unconditional giver of comfort.