Post #1

First post.. I guess this should be meaningful or something. But to be quite honest, this is just a collection of my thoughts, and for completely selfish reasons I am choosing to annonymously store them on the internet. I'm often finding that I have good thoughts and they're so easily forgotten that it's a shame, or sometimes it's easier to make sense of the world if it's written down and can be reflected on (or cringed at) at a later date.

First note to self: Don't try to type too quickly, typo's are a pain in the ass to correct...

I guess that all that's really been on my mind today is the feeling of regret. After (mostly) getting over my fleeting "relationship" with the Sensitive One, I've realised that I wasn't so upset because I loved/lusted after him, but it was because being that unconditionally happy was how I always thought my teenage years would be. I guess that's the result of listening to too many Blink182 songs... I regret not ever having a boyfriend to simply have fun with. Someone to be with where the only issue was enjoying each others company, and it was never more complicated than that. "Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember". Ugh, I just realise how teen-angsty I'm sounding. I regret that the only real relationship I've ever known was always based upon who could get one over on the other by hurting them more. And that for some reason I thought this was love.
My mother said a funny thing to me the other day, she claimed that coming from a dysfunctional family doesn't make someone insecure, but quite the oposite. And that the Sensitive One's fully functional, Christian, middle-classed family was the reason he was so insecure. On the surface, this makes absolutely no sense to me. As far as I see myself, I am completely insecure and dependent and all the weak things that I shouldn't be. The only difference is that I choose to only show this part of me to a few people. But then maybe this point of not showing it to people makes me more secure about myself... I don't know. I am aware of the things which have made me a better/stronger person, but I'm also aware of how easy it is to bring me back down to being a scared little girl that nobody knows. And I completely hate how cliche that sounds, but underneath a hell of a lot of sarcasm, that's all I can be. Except being this person is what I hate. I'd love to be as strong minded as some people I know, and to be able to believe that I can do things, because I am me. I want to believe that (to quote R. Kelly) I am the world's greatest. But it's a sad fact that I know I'm not, and that it's going to take another person to make me like this. It suck to I know I am only ever going to be the other half of someone else, I don't feel complete as I am. *sigh* I miss his kiss, and the way he touched my cheeks...

I don't really know where this post is headed, rather than a lot of ranting about things that should be left in the past (but which will also inevitbly arise in the future). So I will sign off and head to bed.
The unconditional giver of comfort.